I’m sick of this I don’t have opinions anymore because I don’t care. I can tell that I care but it doesn’t show. I don’t have the vocabulary I’d like to have so I can’t express what is going on besides I care but I don’t. Any big words I use will be ironically as I am now and this wont. None of this is necessary and I don’t feel the magnificent angst that goes on in the shower after work making any real difference in my writing. I want to study to enhance my lexicon so that I can make something that will release me from this whole thing and give me the artistic storyline of author who created a masterpiece and killed himself. It will probably never happen so maybe in 10 or 20 years I’ll release a children’s book and shoot myself at a reading. I want to create something that will explain what we already know but in an incredible way where you can’t believe you read “it’s all bullshit” all over again but in a way that made you feel happy, sad, anxious, hopeful, depressed, angsty, and with a shivering excitement to make something better. Cancer is apparently a big thing but I struck gold and no one in my family has it and that makes me sick. I super close to the end but I can’t do it I need something to just suck all the life out of me not just a little bit like the internet. I need cancer to take my hair, my fucking hope, and most of all I need to die in a way where my mom can move on. Her life sucks and I’m all she has I need to become something amazing to change her next 40 or 50 years but I absolutely can’t and that adds to how shit her life is. She doesn’t matter and her bloodline ends without an impact. This whole thing was pointless and only needed to show others like me what you sound like and hopefully that inspires some short of change because when my sister who is unrelated to my mother showed me an unfunny video that reminded her of me I felt disgusted at actually noticing my mannerisms in the guy and felt unoriginal once again.