by Adem Luz Reinspects
HEY THERE
HOW ARE YOU DOING LITTLE BUDDY
DIDN’T MEAN TO SCARE YOU
OR DID I
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
ANYWAY
WELCOME
COME ON IN
WATER’S WARM, AS THEY SAY
YOU LOOK REALLY NICE TODAY
YOUR HAIR IS SUPER CLEAN
SMART GUY LIKE YOU, SUPER CLEAN HAIR, I SEE A REAL BRIGHT FUTURE
YOU’RE GONG RIGHT TO THE TOP
RIGHT TO THE STRATOSPHERE
THE BIG LEAGUES
YOU AREN’T THERE YET THOUGH
FAR FROM IT
IN FACT, YOU’RE BASICALLY AT THE BOTTOM
IT’S COOL THOUGH
NO SWEAT
WE KNOW YOU’LL MAKE IT
JUST NEED TO APPLY A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE, AS THEY SAY
JUST A FEW MORE GOOD CALLS
WE ALL KNOW YOU’LL GET THERE CHAMP
YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR PARENTS, YOUR SIBLINGS, YOUR TEACHERS, YOUR COACHES, THE GIRLS YOU WANNA FUCK
WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN DO IT
YOU ARE AT THE CENTER OF A LARGE PUBLICLY FUNDED AUDITORIUM
WE’RE IN THE BLEACHERS
WE ALL MADE SIGNS THAT HAVE YOUR NAME ON IT AND WE’RE HOLDING THEM UP AND CHEERING FOR YOU
EVERY TIME YOU MAKE A GOOD CHOICE, WE ALL STAND UP AND CHEER
HE’S THE BEST!
HE’S GONNA WIN!
HE’S THE CHAMPION!
STUFF LIKE THAT
YOU LOVE IT TOO
YOU LOVE IT WHEN WE CHEER FOR YOU
IN FACT, THAT’S THE ONLY REASON YOU DO IT
FOR THE CHEERS
YOU LITTLE FUCKFACE
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
I’M JUST GIVING YOU A HARD TIME BECAUSE YOU’RE SO COOL
YOU DO IT FOR GOOD REASONS
ALTRUISTIC REASONS
INSPIRING REASONS
YOU DO IT BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO
BY THE WAY
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
COLD BEER?
WEED?
SALVIA?
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
THAT’S CRAZY
THE BEER AND THE WEED IS REASONABLE, BUT THE SALVIA ISN’T
OBVIOUSLY
OH SHIT
WHAT’S THAT LINE ON YOUR FACE?
RIGHT ABOVE YOUR EYES?
NO, NOT THERE
A LITTLE HIGHER
YEAH, RIGHT THERE
WHAT’S THAT?
OH IT’S JUST A WRINKLE
DANG
YOUNG GUY LIKE YOU WITH SUCH CLEAN HAIR, DIDN’T THINK YOU’D HAVE A WRINKLE LIKE THAT
GUESS TIME FLIES, AS THEY SAY
GOES BY FASTER THAN YOU THOUGHT
PRETTY SOON YOU’LL BE TOTALLY DECREPIT
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
YOU LOOK REALLY YOUNG AND CLEAN
HOLD ON
SIT TIGHT MY MAN
I’M GONNA GET THIS CREAM
IT’S A REALLY GOOD CREAM
THEY MAKE IT OUT OF THESE ELEMENTS FROM THE PERIODIC TABLE
WHAT YOU’RE GONNA WANNA DO IT RUB THE CREAM ON YOUR FOREHEAD EVERY TIME YOU EAT OR GO TO THE BATHROOM
AND THEN BOOM
WRINKLE GOES AWAY
GIMME YOUR CREDIT CARD
GIVE IT TO ME
I’M GONNA SET IT UP SO THAT YOU GET A LITTLE BOX WITH FOUR CREAMS EVERY MONTH
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO A THING
THEY’LL JUST SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR
HEY
ANOTHER QUESTION
HOW ARE YOU PARENTS DOING?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE THEM?
THEY DID A REPORT ON THE NEWS ABOUT YOUR PARENTS AND THE REPORTER WAS SAYING THAT THERE’S A BUNCH OF SPIDERWEBS IN THEIR BEDROOM
IT WAS ON THE LOCAL NEWS AND WE ALL WATCHED IT
HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED THEM AT THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE?
IF THEY DIED, YOU’D GET A NICE LITTLE INHERITANCE
A NICE LITTLE NEST EGG, AS THEY SAY
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
THAT WOULD BE SAD
CRAZY HOW YOU USED TO SPEND EVERY DAY WITH THEM
EVERY DAY, FOR HOURS
YOU WERE A FAMILY
YOU ATE TOGETHER, AND WATCHED TELEVISION SHOWS
YOU FOUGHT AND MADE UP
GROWING UP, YEAR TO YEAR, YOU WOULD CHANGE AND EXPAND WHO YOU WERE
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, THEY WATCHED AND GUIDED
SEEMS LIKE THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO HUH
PRETTY DIFFERENT THAN BEING AN ADULT
WHICH YOU ARE
PRETTY DIFFERENT INDEED
YOU’RE FREE NOW
FREE AS A BIRD, AS THEY SAY
YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT
YOU CAN DRIVE ACROSS TOWN, AND SEE HOMELESS PEOPLE AT INTERSECTIONS
YOU GIVE THEM MONEY SOMETIMES
SOMETIMES YOU DON’T THOUGH
YOU WONDER HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE BY BEGGING
MAYBE THEY MAKE A LOT
MAYBE IT’S SMARTER NOT TO GIVE THEM MONEY BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE A LOT
THEIR HAIR ISN’T VERY CLEAN
UNLIKE YOU
MR. CLEAN HAIR
OH
YOU’RE CHECKING YOUR PHONE
DANG, I MUST BE BORING YOU
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
NO PLEASE, GO AHEAD
I’LL JUST CHILL FOR A MINUTE WHILE YOU CHECK YOUR PHONE
SEE ANYTHING COOL ON THERE?
OH LOOK, YOU GOT A TEXT
ONE TEXT
NICE
ALWAYS SWEET WHEN YOU GET A TEXT, ONE OF MY FAVORITE FEELINGS
SEE WHO IT’S FROM
OH NICE
IT’S FROM THE BANK
THEY’RE JUST CHECKIN’ IN TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS GRAVY
ALWAYS NICE WHEN SOMEONE CHECKS IN
MAKES SURE EVERYTHING IS GRAVY
NOW THAT YOU CHECKED YOUR TEXT MESSAGES, YOU’RE FREE TO LOOK AT ALL KINDS OF STUFF
THE WHOLE WORLD IS AT YOUR FINGERTIPS
YEAH MAN
TOTALLY
CHECK OUT THE NEW POSTS PEOPLE HAVE MADE
DANG EVERYONE’S GETTING TONS OF LIKES
LIKES ALL AROUND
THAT’S AWESOME
THAT’S POSITIVITY RIGHT THERE, ALL THOSE LIKES
DANG LOOK AT THAT VIDEO
PRETTY COOL
OKAY NOW PUT IT AWAY
I SAID PUT IT AWAY
PUT IT AWAY
THANKS MAN
NOW YOU’RE BACK IN REALITY
HOW DOES IT COMPARE?
IT IS AS COOL AS THE VIDEO?
I’D SAY SO!
COOL AS A CUCUMBER
HAHA
I GOTTA SAY THOUGH
YOU SEEM OFF MAN
A SECOND AGO I WAS SAYING “COOL AS A CUCUMBER” AND WE MADE EYE CONTACT
YOUR EYES SEEMED SUPER SAD
EVEN THOUGH WE WEREN’T TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING SAD
I COULD TELL BY THE WAY YOUR EYES LOOKED THAT SOMETHING WAS UP
IT WAS LIKE YOUR FACE BELONGED TO ONE GUY AND YOUR EYES BELONGED TO ANOTHER GUY, A REALLY SAD GUY
FREAKY STUFF MAN!
BETTER GET THAT CHECKED OUT
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
IT’S NOT A MEDICAL ISSUE
ANYWAY
GUESS WHAT
NO YOU HAVE TO GUESS
YOU CAN’T JUST ASK WHAT IT IS
I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY GUESS
DO IT
JUST PLAY ALONG
YOU GOTTA GET BETTER AT STUFF LIKE THIS MAN
STUFF LIKE PLAYING ALONG
IT WOULD EXPAND YOUR NETWORK
ANYWAY
I WAS GONNA SAY WE SHOULD GO TO THE ZOO SOMETIME
WOULDN’T THAT BE SICK?
GOING TO THE ZOO
SEEING ALL THE ANIMALS?
IT’S SO COOL THAT THEY GET TO JUST CHILL THERE
BEATS BEING EATEN
IF I COULD HOOK IT UP, I’D TOTALLY PUT YOU IN THERE
THAT’D BE SO FUNNY
LIKE A “HUMAN” EXHIBIT
YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO WORK OR ANYTHING
YOU COULD JUST VIBE
THEN EVENTUALLY YOU WOULD DIE AND THE PAPER WOULD BE LIKE, “BELOVED HUMAN DIES AT LOCAL ZOO”
THEN THEY WOULD REPLACE YOU WITH SOME OTHER GUY
OR GIRL
EITHER WAY
I DON’T DISCRIMINATE
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
I FEEL LIKE I’M DOING ALL THE TALKING MAN
THIS IS A REAL ONE-WAY STREET AS THEY SAY
YOU’RE PRETTY QUIET
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU’RE SOMEWHERE ELSE
SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY
YOU MUST BE THINKING A LOT
ONE OF THOSE “THINKING” TYPES
ALWAYS THINKING AWAY
MR. THINKER
SUCKS THAT NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING
IF THEY DID THEY’D BE SO IMPRESSED
THEY WOULD CONSIDER IT SUCH A MIRACLE TO GAIN ACCESS TO YOUR MIND
WHERE YOU REMAIN, EVERY SINGLE DAY
HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
DAYS, I MEAN
IT’S PROBABLY SOME RANDOMLY LARGE NUMBER LIKE 56,928
MR. THINKER HAS 56,928 DAYS LEFT TO THINK HIS SPECIAL THOUGHTS
AND THEN IT’LL BE OVER
YOU OKAY?
WHY ARE YOU RUBBING YOUR TEMPLES LIKE THAT?
DO YOU HAVE A HEADACHE?
OUCH
TOUGH TO BE MR. THINKER WHEN YOUR HEAD DON’T WORK HUH PAL
THAT’S LIKE BEING A BIRD WITHOUT A BEAK
A SNAKE WITH NO VENOM
A FLAT TIRE, AS THEY SAY
ALL THAT PAIN, COVERED BY SUCH CLEAN HAIR
NO WORRIES
I CAN HELP YOU MAN
I CAN CURE YOU
I KNOW THIS OLD TRICK FOR GETTING RID OF HEADACHES
FIRST YOU PRETEND TO BE HOLDING A SALTSHAKER IN YOUR HAND
THEN YOU PRETEND TO BE SHAKING SALT ONTO YOUR TONGUE
DO IT
SERIOUSLY DO IT MAN
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
IF YOU DO IT, IT LOOKS INAPPROPRIATE
CLASSIC
REMINDS ME OF THAT OTHER TIME
REMEMBER?
NO NOT THAT TIME, THE OTHER TIME
YOU DON’T REMEMBER?
DANG MAN
YOU’VE BEEN FORGETTING STUFF A LOT LATELY
I’M ALWAYS TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS TIME AND THE OTHER TIME AND YOU ALWAYS LOOK REALLY CONFUSED
MAYBE YOUR BRAIN SUCKS
HAHA
JUST KIDDING
ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT CHECKED OUT?
I ONLY ASK BECAUSE LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING MEMORIES
COOL, CRISP, DELICIOUS MEMORIES
AND YOU WORK SO HARD TO MAKE THEM
YOU REALLY GIVE IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY AS THEY SAY
DESPITE THE PAIN OF THE MORNINGS
AND THE DISAPPOINTMENT AS YOU GO TO BED
BUT THAT’S WHY YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES MAN
THE PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T
YOU CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOU DON’T REMEMBER
WISH THERE WAS A CREAM FOR STUFF LIKE THAT
OH SHIT
THE GAME IS ON
YOU’RE MISSING THE GAME!
TURN ON THE GAME MAN
IT’S THE FOURTH QUARTER
YOUR FAVORITE TEAM IS GONNA WIN!
YOU’RE UP BY ONE POINT AND THERE’S ONLY A FEW SECONDS LEFT!
YOU JUST NEED THINGS TO GO WELL FOR ONE SECOND
FUCK
YOU LOST
THE OTHER TEAM HIT A BUZZER-BEATER
THE ANNOUNCER IS SAYING IT’S THE WORST LOSS IN LEAGUE HISTORY
TOTALLY UNPRECEDENTED
FUCK
YOU KNOW WHAT MAN
HONESTLY
I THINK YOU SHOULD QUIT YOUR JOB
I THINK YOU’RE DESTINED FOR GREATER THINGS
TRUER THINGS
I CAN SEE YOU LIVING IN A VILLAGE OR SOMETHING
LIKE A REAL PRIMITIVE KIND OF VILLAGE
YOUR BALLS COVERED IN A LOINCLOTH
DANCING AROUND A FIRE
YOU’D PROBABLY BE THE COOLEST GUY IN THE VILLAGE AND YOUR HAIR WOULD BE CLEAN DESPITE A LACK OF ACCESS TO HYGIENIC PRODUCTS
EVERY DAY YOU’D WAKE UP
PUT ON THAT LOINCLOTH
BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH A REED OR SOMETHING
PISS
SHIT
GET THE GUNK OUTTA YOUR EYES
AND THEN YOU’D GO HUNTING
MR. HUNTER
YOU WOULD KNOW ALL THE BEST SPOTS TO LOOK FOR ELK
IT WOULDN’T EVEN TAKE YOU THAT LONG TO TRACK ONE
YOU’D HAVE AN AWESOME SPEAR
SHARP, THICK, POWERFUL
MANY INCHES LONG
IT WOULD FEEL SO GOOD IN YOUR HANDS
YOUR FATHER GAVE IT TO YOU ON YOUR FIRST HUNT
YOU’D REMEMBER THAT REALLY CLEARLY
YOU WOULD AIM AT THE ELK
YOU’D LET IT FLY, AS THEY SAY
BOOM
HEADSHOT
ALL THE OTHER HUNTERS CHEER AND RUN TOWARD THE ELK
THIS KID WOULD SEE YOU CARRYING IT BACK TO THE VILLAGE AND YELL FOR EVERYONE TO GATHER ROUND
THEY’D CHEER FOR YOU
THE VILLAGE GIRLS WOULD BE TOTALLY SWOONING
THEY’D CALL YOU THE NATIVE WORD FOR “BEEFCAKE”
SERIOUSLY HOW IS YOUR HAIR SO CLEAN?
YOU SLEEP ON A DIRT FLOOR
THERE’D BE A BIG FESTIVAL
FIRST THE FELLAS WOULD DANCE
THEN THE LADIES, AS IS CUSTOM
THEN THIS REALLY PRETTY ONE WOULD WALK UP TO YOU AND PLACE A WREATH AROUND YOUR NECK
THE WREATH IS A SYMBOL OF HER BURNING LOINS
THEY BURN FOR YOU
HER HAIR WOULD ALSO BE CLEAN
YOU’D HAVE TONS OF STUFF LIKE THAT IN COMMON
YOU’D HAVE AN AWESOME TIME DANCING
YOU WOULDN’T SPEND ANY TIME THINKING ABOUT WEATHER YOUR MOVES LOOKED GAY
THEN EVERYONE WOULD FEAST
THEY’D THINK THE ELK WAS SO GOOD
SO JUICY
NO G.M.O.S OR ANYTHING
DECADES WOULD GO BY
YOU’D BECOME A VILLAGE ELDER
LONG BEARD
THICK STAFF
EVERYONE WOULD ASK YOUR ADVICE ABOUT THEIR PERSONAL MORAL QUANDARIES
YOU WOULD SOLVE THEIR QUANDARIES SO EFFORTLESSLY
IF THE OTHER VILLAGERS HAD TO DESCRIBE YOU THE WORD THEY WOULD USE IS “SAGE”
AND THEN ONE NIGHT
ONE FINAL NIGHT
AFTER A LONG AND MEANINGFUL LIFE
YOU’D PASS INTO THE SPIRIT REALM
IT WOULD HAPPEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A DREAM
THE DREAM WOULD BEGIN IN A FIELD
YOU WOULD NOTICE A STRONG WIND BLOWING THROUGH YOUR BEAUTIFUL CLEAN HAIR
TO THE EAST, YOU’D SEE A TORNADO APPROACHING
A BIRD WOULD LAND ON YOUR SHOULDER AND TELL YOU THERE’S NOTHING TO FEAR
YOU WOULD STAND PERFECTLY STILL AS THE TORNADO APPROACHED, AND IT WOULD PULL YOU INTO THE SKY PAINLESSLY
YOU WOULD RISE UP INTO THE CLOUDS, THEN BE ABSORBED BY THE SUN
YOU WOULD BE JOINED WITH THE GREAT SPIRIT, AND WITH ALL YOUR ANCESTORS
YOU WOULD REACH AN EXPANSIVE AND BLISSFUL ETERNITY
THEN YOU WOULD WAKE UP
NOT AS A VILLAGER, BUT AS A FAGGOT
A STUPID FAGGOT
FUCKING HATE YOU MAN
HAHA
JUST KIDDING