How to Write Books Using Artificial Intelligence

by Anonymous

Interested in reconfiguring the simulation meanwhile earning a meaningful and disposable income? Looking to establish independence from the compulsory exactitude of—*Gasp*—society? This article will explain, with commas, step by step, not only how to fish, but how to, by your very own self, teach a man to do much, if not precisely, the same thing. 

Would you believe me if I told you that this article was itself written by a machine? Well you’re an idiot. Your soon-to-be wise-turned self (thankfully) probably navigated your way here in search of something beyond you. These core concepts might even offend some of your more innate sensibilities. You might even go so far as to reject this brief education out of hand and make strange demands, or go about downloading an electronic copy to forward via emails, or something that can be printed out in the physical (as well as the machine) sense and waved overhead. And yet such an action is, in the end, utterly predictable and admittedly un-esoteric. 

And while your body might think that it needs more sleep and more water and more carbohydrates and more long days in the sun to build its physical strength, what it doesn’t fully understand is that it really doesn’t need any of these things in order to build its mental strength. All it needs to do is read this article (the purpose of which is actually to simply pad the author’s online portfolio for some knuckle-dragging copywriting position in the same building as the job he really wants (some human resources internship at Hootsuite)).

Some several months ago this author got a job as a ghostwriter working for The Urban Writers. The platform’s market tactic of racing to the bottom so thoroughly devastated not only the North American English speaking market for ghostwriters, but also disrupted the wider foreign market as well, and was chiefly responsible for insofar quashing our collective dream of working our individual ways up from the bottom in such a field with any degree of professional integrity.

So then and forthwith we shall dispense with the unintegral aspects of professional development, which in this case signal the prospects most associated with this (reliably) tried, tested, and truly familiar strategy surrounding the mediation of labor and capital: (I’m speaking of course about) outsourcing. We will offload our workload not onto the shoulders of some unsuspecting colleague, but onto those of some simulated neural apparatus the apparent intelligence of which grants us special wishes if and when we choose to do the evil bidding thereof. 

Great! I’ve targeted pretty much all of the demographics, and I believe I’ve instanced all of my relevant keywords. My wordcount is a little high, but I was able to keep from swearing. Okay Google, optimize this:


Step 1: Get a job as a ghostwriter.


This is surprisingly easy, simply go to (or any bottom-feeder firm) and navigate to their careers page and use their online form to jump through their little hoops. You will be required to submit a sample of your writing. It is suggested that you simply copy and paste an excerpt from Moby-Dick, or the Bible, which can be found readily on the internet. Once you are hired, your new employer will spam you incessantly regarding new opportunities to be underemployed. Go ahead and dredge your spam folder for their emails and familiarize yourself with their dashboard.


Step 2: Access a friendly wordbot.


This is also quite easy. There are numerous online services that offer text generation, text completion, and content creation utilizing the powerful magic of AI. I prefer, mostly because generating enormous amounts of text for free is a fairly straightforward process that typically involves Tor browser and Yopmail, however the paid premium version works like a charm and it will save you time (and remember time is literally money). 


Step 3: Generate content using artificial intelligence.


Once you have taken on a project in your ghostwriting dashboard, locate some basic text online that refers to your topic of work. If you’re writing a book on programming in Arduino, find some copy or research about that on the internet. If you’re writing an adult romance, dig up some of that. The web is a(n) (in)credible resource for finding surface-level knowledge. Use this source material to generate mountains of content and simply feed it to your client. They will always accept what you have to give them; they are paying under a penny per word. 


Step 4: Quit your job and start publishing books yourself.


After having wasted your time middlemanning this bizarre relationship between the robots and the transhumanists, now you’re ready to join either of their ranks! Use the aforementioned yet simple technique in Step 3 to produce garbage-bagfuls of borderline comprehensible material and self-publish it (yourself (publish, that is)). Establishing yourself as the faceless entrepreneur behind thousands of pointless book titles is easy and comes with a guaranteed step by step solution: this very article that you are currently reading right now! 


Hints, tips, and tricks:

  • Always choose highly advanced topics like quantum computing or blockchain mechanics, this will keep the learning curve high and will obfuscate your foolish poppycock.
  • Never concede that you do not know what you are talking about: you are an expert. Look at everything you’ve done. Simply inform the client that this is how you learned it and that you’re willing to do some more research.
  • Use your actual skill as a writer to edit the output from your wordbot into something tangible relative to the project. Make sure the opening words of new sections at least sort of make sense. Normalize large blocks of text with few breaks between.
  • Grinding word counts and marketing libraries of interchangeable nonsense is soulless work, however if done properly it can be financially rewarding and is ultimately the only job left in traditional publishing (remember, money is time).