by Anonymous
(7:01PM 2/5/2016 listening to Type O Negative’s “Bloody Kisses”)
On the day of the 2016 Iowa Cockass, I was literally shitting blood. The day before I was driving back from Chicago after seeing Defeated Sanity. On the drive my staying awake food was half a bag of cheese curds and a bag of sunflower seeds. I know what you are thinking, “What kind of supple virgin sphincter does this guy have?” and I would think the same thing, but here’s the kicker: when I eat sunflower seeds, I eat the shell too. Yeah… I never learned to spit the shells out! I remember eating sunflower seeds for the first time during little league in Florida, and watching people spitting out the seeds, but I could never figure out how they were doing that. It just seemed easier to chew the shell and eat the whole thing. So, the morning of the caucus and getting ready for work I had a colon full of calcium incased woodchips.
Regrets, I have a few…
That afternoon I left work a little early and headed for my caucus location. I’ll admit I was pretty excited. I grew up in the D.C. area and the Iowa caucus was always hyped up so much it was all people talked about. It was surreal to think the whole nation would be waiting for the results to kickoff the presidential election season and I would get to be part of that. I made my way through to traffic to North Davenport and stopped at a McDonald’s for dinner.
FUCK YOU I’LL EAT WHATEVER I GODDAMN WHAT MOTHERFUCKERSSS!!!!
They had TV’s in there set to CNN which made me feel like I was in an airport. The McNuggets were superb as always. I really don’t understand how they are “rabbit” shaped, but you got to love their ability to control their product quality. There was a woman wearing a really cool Packer’s jacket. It was black leather. I thought that was different. I also got to witness communism in action when a guy with a Bernie Sanders button accidentally took someone else’s order. He gave it back and apologized, but I started laughing like a madman and mumbling to myself “My God he hasn’t even gotten the nomination and already they are confiscating private property!”
THAT’S FUNNY DAMNIT!!!
I drove over to my location which was West High School and just a fucking pathetic name for a high school.
“What should we name the new high school we spent all this money on? How about a President? Governor? Mayor? Scientist? Explorer? Astronaut? Celebrity? Animal? Mineral? Vegetable?”
“Well, it’s West of the other high school, we’ll call it West High School durrrrrh”
“Brilliant”
I found the classroom I was supposed to be in and stopped and to take a piss. There were 10 urinals in that boy’s room. That’s eight more urinals than there are in the entire Quad Cities International Fucking Airport. This is an airport where the CEOs of Alcoa and John Deere have passed through and this shitty run down high school with a fake name is better equipped to catch urine from penises than it. So I get back to the classroom where the caucus is to take place and I check in with the dude with the clipboard. He had a watch that could have been worth over $300,000 or maybe $9.99 at CVS. Initially, there were 4 other caucus folks in the room. Two needle dick blazer wearing crotch stains and two good looking young women. I realized I had never banged a conservative broad. These girls looked real top shelf and even with my work clothes on, I still looked like I had a bomb strapped to my chest or was about to fight someone for a sandwich. What strange lives we live. The classroom took me back to high school, which made me want to shoot some people or at least hack their Myspace accounts. Eventually over 50 people and even some little kids Mexi-packed it into our classroom (which was a Spanish classroom so ‘Mexi-pack’ is politically correct you dicks). The dude with the clipboard had told us that anyone could speak for a candidate and give a little pitch. I was all “Hell yeah I’ll stand with Rand and give a speech!” Then after that we would vote and they would count the ballots.
Here are the candidates that had someone say something nice for them:
1. Carly Fiorina had some Army Vet say some nice things about her. It was real grassroots. I only knew he was a Vet because I overhead him say it to someone else.
2. Ted Cruz had one of the blazer wearing needle dicks who wishes he got that White House internship read a fucking piece of paper speech. Turd.
3. I stood up for Rand Paul and told everyone about the white collar welfare system that is Northern Virginia and Southern Maryland. I also looked right at the Cruz blowhard and told him that a wall on the Southern border isn’t necessary because 95% of it is secured and they are securing the remainder of the Rio Grande Valley as we speak. We just need to enforce the law, like Mexico does. I was pretty nervous and I wasn’t exactly looking dressed for the prom. I was relieved when I finished talking and didn’t trigger the Vet’s PTSD.
4. Marco Rubio sent in a jack booted thug from Detroit to scare us into believing he is the only one who could unite the Republican Party and take back the White House. He may have looked like a 50-something year old grey haired man with a navy blue pullover sweater, but I could smell the Zyklon-B on him.
5. Lastly, the living embodiment of white American male alienation (I know what that looks like because I also fall into that demographic) spoke some very humble, but honestly really touching words about what he thought about Donald Trump. It was kind of intense and I am glad I could witness that. You won’t see that shit on the news.
Then we voted. As I was voting, I noticed a woman ask the man she was sitting with, “Okay who do you want to vote for?” The man replied back and I understood he was mentally disabled and the woman was his aide. The man in a very disabled and enthusiastic voice said, “Jeb Bush!” His aide immediately shot down the idea by exclaiming “You don’t want to vote for Jeb Bush!” I almost died.
The girl who collected our ballots was clipboard guy’s daughter and a really good piece of ass at that. She had another girl help her count the ballots. I think it is cute when girls try to do math.
THAT WAS A JOKE! TAKE IT EASY!
Here were the results:
1. Rubio
2. Trump
3. Cruz
4. Carson
5. Paul
Fiorina, Bush, and Christie were down there and I think that son-of-a-mailman Kaisich got a vote. What a dick.
And that was it. It was all over in about 20 fucking minutes. And honestly it was really fucking boring. There are 3 million people in Iowa and half a million in both parties had nothing better to do than relive high school. Politics is really boring. And you know what is worse than politics? Fucking journalists. These pieces of shit talked about the Iowa caucus like we were all going to get laid or party until the sun came up. It was a civic duty you morons. IT CAN’T BE FUN BY DEFINITION!
So what’s more embarrassing, shitting blood or being excited for your civic duty?
I think that’s all I got to say about that. The last track of “Bloody Kisses” is playing and I need to proof read this bitch.
Blame the Allies.
Democracy lol.
[Dances alone to Type O]
(I am recalling this on 12/27/2020 on a late Sunday morning as my first child slowly wakes from her first nap of the day and my wife works in the kitchen. Only after the horror show that was the general election do I feel the need to recall this…)
On the night of the 2020 Iowa Cockass I was running late to my caucus location. There was no parking and the directions to where the Republicans were supposed to meet might as well have been in hieroglyphics. I didn’t have time for dinner and only had a bag of Andy Cap hot fires to munch as I stomped down the broken sidewalks of Davenport, Iowa. I found the classroom, showed my driver’s license and voter card, and was politely informed that my caucus location was across town.
“Well, shit”
“You are welcome to stay and vote on other policies regarding the Republican party.”
“Sure, I’ll stay for that.”
So, I did. Sorry Founding Fathers and all you dumb bastards who died for the country. I guess I’m an idiot.
The room was at capacity with mostly retired men and a few women. There were two guys that seemed gay with MAGA hats. Other than the two potential queers I was the youngest person by about 20 years. Before the vote people were allowed to say something about the candidate they supported. This is what I remember the old men had to say about Trump.
“I’ve never seen so many ‘help wanted’ signs up in my life.”
“He never stops fighting. I don’t know how he does it.”
“He is actually doing the things he said he was going to do.”
After every comment, we all nodded and agreed out loud. We had all seen the same thing. Trump went to D.C. and fought just like he said he would. He crushed ISIS, moved the embassy to Jerusalem, cut taxes, squeezed CEOs every time they tried to close a plant down, put tariffs on China, and so much more. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had seen these things. The vote was unanimous.
Next came the procedural votes and asking for volunteers for the convention. It was amusing to see the lack of enthusiasm from everyone including me to do more than cast a vote. “What? You want me to go somewhere and do something? For my country? My civic duty? For free? On Saturday?”. It was amusing, but also sad. Before leaving I would talk with the organizers in the room about volunteering and of course I would have to check with my very pregnant wife about what my availability would be. After these votes there was time for some casual discussion. One man said his grand daughter was in her first semester at the local college when she came home for Thanksgiving a total commie. The girl was very proud to declare herself a “social justice warrior” and that her grandfather was a “racist” because he was a Republican. Others nodded in solidarity. There were concerns about the future, but there wasn’t hate. We didn’t wish ill on anyone foreign or domestic. We just wanted our country to be great. A great America meant a country of understanding, love, independence, and prosperity for all. Where being a victim is a temporary state of being that is quickly alleviated through self-improvement, support from family, community, and if it need be government. Maybe if people had jobs, they wouldn’t think everyone was racist. Maybe if our elected officials spent as much time caring about our country as they do the countries, we fight endless wars in things could be better. We seemed to think so.
I left feeling very good about Trump’s chances in Iowa for the general election. The next day when I saw what a fiasco the Democrats had, I felt for sure Trump had this in the bag.
(Beyond Beyond Beyond Beyond)
Given all things that have happened and accusations: one of two things is true.
1. People who didn’t want Trump to get another 4 years in PA, MI, WI, AZ, and GA did every little salami slice tactic to give Biden the win. Supposedly Stalin signed thousands of death warrants but 10s of millions died as a result of a corrupt system he was the figurehead of. The local criminals knew they all needed to do their part.
2. The media, Silicon Valley, and wall street convinced a few million Americans that a guy who grew up in New York City, the most diverse city in the world mind you, a guy who had his picture taken with Mohammad Ali and Rosa Parks, a guy whose senior advisor son-in-law is Jewish, and who’s daughter and grandchildren are Jewish, a guy who literally has streets and towns named after him in Israel, a guy whose wife is an immigrant, who is friends with Kanye West and Tiger Woods, and was friends with every Hollywood A-lister of the last 40 years before running for president, that that guy is somehow a neo Nazi white supremacist.
I don’t think it matters which one is true because they mean the same thing. If you are on TV or have a blue check next to your name you need to die. I am not going to follow you or buy your book. The left wing totalitarian Marxist revolutionaries and the Neo-fascist weak kneed right wingers can take the car pool lane straight to the gas chambers. No one is going to tell me what to think or what to do. The only news that matters is the 3 day weather forecast and what the stock market is doing. The sooner we all realize this, the better off we’ll all be.
Democracy lol.